Cory’s Crap: WWE Valentine’s Day Cards

corycrap Happy Valentine’s Day to the Kult of Kayfabe!  Rather than sending each and every last one of you nude sexy pictures of myself, I decided to send you these nice WWE Valentine’s Day cards.  Let’s take a look at what you will be viewing today via the computer.  Remember that these cards might get you a slap in the face if your old lady hates pro wrestling like mine does.  As always, click on any of the following pictures for a closer view.

vd1 As you can see I have the 2014 and 2015 WWE Valentine’s Day cards.  You might notice that the 2015 set included 27 Lenticular cards while last year the set only had 16 cards, though it did come with some sweet pencils to shove up your lover’s rectum during that V.D. sexy time.  The 2014 set is also traditional Valentine’s Day cards.  Yes, I’m aware that in 2015 the regular traditional cards were also on sale but I wanted to get crazy.  Enough foreplay, let’s open these bad boys up and let the love hit the air.  We will start with the 2014 set.

vd2 “Ahhhhh!!!!”  Is there a better way to express your love than by using the images of “disgruntled employees”?  It’s just downright romantic if you ask this wrestling fan.  First thing to take note of is just how generic these Valentine’s Day cards really are.  If one is to make a WWE themed card could CM Punk’s card not have said “You’re The Best In The World”?  That just seems like good old fashioned common sense to me.  But I’m an old fashioned kind of gal when it comes to Valentine’s Day.  Both of these wrestlers left the WWE in 2014 under controversy.  If you don’t know what I am talking about at this point, then why the hell are you on this webpage?  Either way, without going into the very public controversies, I just can’t help but think about what I really want these cards to say.  “You are the best, until you make a racist joke senorita!”  Or how about “Go for it Valentine…. or just quit if you don’t feel like it, either way”.  That isn’t as romantic though.  Let’s just move on.

vd3The 2014 set has 16 cards included but it sadly has doubles.  As a kid I remember the old WWF Valentine’s Day cards and it seemed like there was a boat load of wrestling superstars to choose from.  Sadly I no longer have those cards because I handed them out to all my third grade lovers.  As you can see more uninspiring messages are written on these cards that have nothing to do with each wrestler’s gimmick.  The plus side is that at least the set came with sex toys.  My wife keeps telling me they are pencils but I say “hogwash” to that!  They are sweet ass sex toys.  Full of lead and wood… and an eraser to erase any Valentine’s Day mistakes.  From left to right we have John Cena, Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and The Undertaker.  Again, I can’t help but feel screwed that Kofi’s card doesn’t say “Jamaican Me Sick… With Love!”.  The fun the creators could have had but they chose the low cheap road.

vd4But what is this?!  The Rock gets a cute message!  No wonder CM Punk walked out in 2014.  All these part timers just get to walk on in the WWE and have special Valentine’s Day cards and it’s just not fair.  Where is the Daniel Bryan card?  By golly… this is getting a tad unromantic.  If I did dare give one of these cards to a lady, I might at least choose The Rock’s card because at least they would know who he is.  If you want to be sure to never get pussy again give your lady a Sheamus card.  You might also expect a slap in the face or a big punch in your ball sack.  And not the good old fashioned “love tap”.

vd5The back of the cards is nothing to write home about, but it is something to write on.  This is where you can write your love note, so make it count lovers.  Perhaps you could write on the back of Randy Orton’s card.  May I suggest “Your love caught me outta nowhere!”.  Or on the back of Undertaker’s card you could write “I want my penis to rest in peace… inside your vagina girl.”  The choices are endless and this is your time to shine.   Just a simple logo of the wrestling star is on the back so you’ll want to get creative.

vd6Moving on to the 2015 set I decided not to be ripped off with un-inspirational messages two years in a row. So I just went with the holograph looking cards even though the other kind are also available.  27 came in this set and sadly once again mostly doubles.  No messages on these, just pictures.  Available cards are Orton, Cena, Triple H, Daniel Bryan, Kofi Kingston (for some reason), Sheamus, Undertaker, The Rock and Roman Reigns.  I do realize kids love Kofi Kingston and that these were obviously created way before Valentine’s Day season for 2015.  That said, it’s weird to see lower card New Day stable member Kofi Kingston available as a card.  If you really want to just break off your date or relationship, make sure to give your partner Kofi Kingston.

vd7 The plus side of these cards is if your partner and yourself are into psychedelic drugs then these will be a hit.  Imagine tripping balls to the image of wrestling superstar Roman Reigns.  You’re brain will be super man punched!  There just isn’t really anything else to say about this 2015 set.  They are what they are.  If you want to land some tail then it’s the back of these cards that you’re going to have to get creative with.  Write the correct message to your crush or lover and you will be jobbing out pussy all Valentine’s Day night!  Mess up and write the wrong thing… well it’ll be “sofa city” for you sweetheart.

Either way this was my way of wishing Kult of Kayfabe and the entire pro wrestling world a very Happy Valentine’s Day.  May your night be full of love and sex pencil toys.

– Cory Wiatrek

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